As I was looking I found an article that caught my eye. I think the most common question I've been asked throughout our journey with infertility and beyond is something along the lines of "what can I do to help someone with infertility?" or "how can I be more sensitive to an infertile person?" Sadly, usually my answer is, "It's hard to say, it's different for everyone." Which is true, but I think this article actually gives some useful information. I also think that it captures how an infertile person's mind works pretty well. You might notice a lot of back and forth and your head might spin a little as you read it, welcome to the infertile world. Often infertility makes your head spin.
My heart goes out to couples struggling with infertility! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
"One consequence of such damaged self-esteem is that people may turn their anger and resentment on friends or loved ones. Bewildered and embarrassed by their own words and actions, infertile women and men have difficulty integrating such raw emotion into their self images. 'I feel like a bad person,' is a common admission. With their self-esteem so battered, people become unsure of themselves and may suddenly feel alone or out of place. 'I keep trying to fit in, but everyone is having baby showers or doing things with their kids,' comments one discouraged patient. 'I just don't belong anymore.' In turn, couples with children may exclude their childless friends. The infertile person feels further isolated and begins to avoid social gatherings where they feel awkward, different, or 'unwanted.' The cycle then perpetuates itself."
"Because our society greatly values and encourages parenthood, infertile women and men may worry that they have lost status or prestige in the eyes of others. From the inevitable question, 'Do you have children?' to messages at church to 'multiply and replenish the earth,' childfree couples are duly reminded of society's expectations. As one patient ruefully asks, 'My church constantly reminds women of their special duty as mothers. Does that mean they consider my worth to society is less because I am barren?' Adds a teacher with many colleagues on maternity leave, 'No one asks me about my work anymore. They only want to know when I'm going to start my family.' In addition, other people often make unfair judgments about the infertile couple. 'Especially if you are active in a career,' says one childfree female attorney, 'everyone thinks you have put your job before children. We can't even buy a new car or a bigger house without appearing selfish and materialistic.'"
"Infertility patients in treatment have lost control over much of their lifestyle, as doctors' appointments, temperature charts, medication schedules, medical procedures and programmed sexual relationships overwhelm their normal routine."
"Infertile couples may feel they have lost a child, whether they have never conceived or they have conceived but could not carry the baby to term. The paradox is that they mourn this child that never was and still yearn for him to be. 'Each month when I realize that I am going to have a menstrual period, it is like a death because it means there is no life, no baby to come,' says one woman. The sense of loss is punctuated because there is no funeral, no sense of finality. And without a clearly defined loss for family and friends to see, it is difficult for them to truly empathize; some even dismiss the deep grief as simple self-pity. 'Our hearts are broken," responds one couple. 'We don't want people to feel sorry for us; we just want them to understand that we are hurting.'"
"Become informed. Hurtful comments like: “You've got to get hold of yourself and calm down;” “You shouldn't feel that way when you have so much to be grateful for;” “You're becoming obsessed with having a child;” “Just relax;” “Quit work and you'll get pregnant;” or “Adopt and you'll get pregnant” reveal serious misunderstandings about infertility. Broadly defined, infertility is a medical problem which prevents a couple from carrying a pregnancy to term or conceiving after one year of unprotected sexual intercourse. The problem may be with the woman (40% of the time) or the man (40% of the time). In the remaining 20%, both individuals have problems or the reason for their infertility is unknown. Only 5% of all couples who adopt later get pregnant. Furthermore, adoption is not an option for all couples. Waiting lists are long, babies are few, screening procedures are daunting and parental age limits are restrictive.
"Ask your friend/loved one to share any literature or information they have about their own infertility. This is often the icebreaker that leads to discussion. You might suggest they find a RESOLVE support group. There are also psychologists and social workers specializing in infertility who offer individual and group counseling. For people who find certain issues too sensitive to discuss with family and friends, short-term counseling provides an opportunity to express pent-up frustrations. Physicians who deal with infertility will know about local resources and can make recommendations."
"Don't be afraid of gentle humor -- it can often ease difficult moments. If your overtures are rejected or ignored, try not to be hurt or defensive, but reach out at another time. Anticipate potentially awkward situations or discussions so you can handle them with greater confidence if they arise. The underlying purpose of any discussion is to communicate concern; relay that message if the discussion gets tense or confused."
"Don't be afraid of you friend’s/loved one’s depression, anger, or guilt. If they will talk about their infertility, allow them to freely and fully express their emotions. They may grieve, going through a process of crying and repeatedly talking about what has happened and what might happen in the future. By venting negative feelings and releasing tension, they can often move on to a more positive, optimistic perspective. Suppressing emotional pain may just delay the grieving process or protract it. Bear in mind that people experiencing infertility want a sounding board more often than an opinion."
"The woman who is offended today because someone asks about her treatment is the same woman who may be hurt tomorrow because someone does not ask about it. She may talk incessantly about the treatment or condition one time and another time burst into tears at the mention of it."
"Baby showers, christenings, family reunions and holidays are especially difficult times. An invitation lets the infertile woman or man know they are thought of and wanted; it's always nice to be asked. If they choose to decline, accept their choice."
Is your head spinning a little, do some quotes seem to contradict other quotes? You are right, they do. That's why it's impossible to say one right thing. But I think one overall piece of advice is just to let the person know that you love them and are thinking of them. Sometimes they may not want to talk about what is happening, but if you just let them know you are thinking of them or that you care then they can respond when they are ready.
As crazy as it is to say, I am grateful for our infertility journey. I'm not sure if we are past it yet or not, but I know that we have been blessed throughout it. Our families and friends have shown us so much love. Our Sweet Girl is a major blessing we've been given. But even more, our marriage has been blessed. Our journey brought us closer together. A friend of mine told us to enjoy the doctor visit days and I think that was great advice because we were able to have fun throughout the rough days. Infertility also brought us closer to our Father in Heaven and our Savior. It taught me to trust Their plan for me. Their plan is better than my own!
I included some of my favorite parts of the article:
"One consequence of such damaged self-esteem is that people may turn their anger and resentment on friends or loved ones. Bewildered and embarrassed by their own words and actions, infertile women and men have difficulty integrating such raw emotion into their self images. 'I feel like a bad person,' is a common admission. With their self-esteem so battered, people become unsure of themselves and may suddenly feel alone or out of place. 'I keep trying to fit in, but everyone is having baby showers or doing things with their kids,' comments one discouraged patient. 'I just don't belong anymore.' In turn, couples with children may exclude their childless friends. The infertile person feels further isolated and begins to avoid social gatherings where they feel awkward, different, or 'unwanted.' The cycle then perpetuates itself."
"Because our society greatly values and encourages parenthood, infertile women and men may worry that they have lost status or prestige in the eyes of others. From the inevitable question, 'Do you have children?' to messages at church to 'multiply and replenish the earth,' childfree couples are duly reminded of society's expectations. As one patient ruefully asks, 'My church constantly reminds women of their special duty as mothers. Does that mean they consider my worth to society is less because I am barren?' Adds a teacher with many colleagues on maternity leave, 'No one asks me about my work anymore. They only want to know when I'm going to start my family.' In addition, other people often make unfair judgments about the infertile couple. 'Especially if you are active in a career,' says one childfree female attorney, 'everyone thinks you have put your job before children. We can't even buy a new car or a bigger house without appearing selfish and materialistic.'"
"Infertility patients in treatment have lost control over much of their lifestyle, as doctors' appointments, temperature charts, medication schedules, medical procedures and programmed sexual relationships overwhelm their normal routine."
"Infertile couples may feel they have lost a child, whether they have never conceived or they have conceived but could not carry the baby to term. The paradox is that they mourn this child that never was and still yearn for him to be. 'Each month when I realize that I am going to have a menstrual period, it is like a death because it means there is no life, no baby to come,' says one woman. The sense of loss is punctuated because there is no funeral, no sense of finality. And without a clearly defined loss for family and friends to see, it is difficult for them to truly empathize; some even dismiss the deep grief as simple self-pity. 'Our hearts are broken," responds one couple. 'We don't want people to feel sorry for us; we just want them to understand that we are hurting.'"
"Become informed. Hurtful comments like: “You've got to get hold of yourself and calm down;” “You shouldn't feel that way when you have so much to be grateful for;” “You're becoming obsessed with having a child;” “Just relax;” “Quit work and you'll get pregnant;” or “Adopt and you'll get pregnant” reveal serious misunderstandings about infertility. Broadly defined, infertility is a medical problem which prevents a couple from carrying a pregnancy to term or conceiving after one year of unprotected sexual intercourse. The problem may be with the woman (40% of the time) or the man (40% of the time). In the remaining 20%, both individuals have problems or the reason for their infertility is unknown. Only 5% of all couples who adopt later get pregnant. Furthermore, adoption is not an option for all couples. Waiting lists are long, babies are few, screening procedures are daunting and parental age limits are restrictive.
"Ask your friend/loved one to share any literature or information they have about their own infertility. This is often the icebreaker that leads to discussion. You might suggest they find a RESOLVE support group. There are also psychologists and social workers specializing in infertility who offer individual and group counseling. For people who find certain issues too sensitive to discuss with family and friends, short-term counseling provides an opportunity to express pent-up frustrations. Physicians who deal with infertility will know about local resources and can make recommendations."
"Don't be afraid of gentle humor -- it can often ease difficult moments. If your overtures are rejected or ignored, try not to be hurt or defensive, but reach out at another time. Anticipate potentially awkward situations or discussions so you can handle them with greater confidence if they arise. The underlying purpose of any discussion is to communicate concern; relay that message if the discussion gets tense or confused."
"Don't be afraid of you friend’s/loved one’s depression, anger, or guilt. If they will talk about their infertility, allow them to freely and fully express their emotions. They may grieve, going through a process of crying and repeatedly talking about what has happened and what might happen in the future. By venting negative feelings and releasing tension, they can often move on to a more positive, optimistic perspective. Suppressing emotional pain may just delay the grieving process or protract it. Bear in mind that people experiencing infertility want a sounding board more often than an opinion."
"The woman who is offended today because someone asks about her treatment is the same woman who may be hurt tomorrow because someone does not ask about it. She may talk incessantly about the treatment or condition one time and another time burst into tears at the mention of it."
"Baby showers, christenings, family reunions and holidays are especially difficult times. An invitation lets the infertile woman or man know they are thought of and wanted; it's always nice to be asked. If they choose to decline, accept their choice."
Is your head spinning a little, do some quotes seem to contradict other quotes? You are right, they do. That's why it's impossible to say one right thing. But I think one overall piece of advice is just to let the person know that you love them and are thinking of them. Sometimes they may not want to talk about what is happening, but if you just let them know you are thinking of them or that you care then they can respond when they are ready.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
As crazy as it is to say, I am grateful for our infertility journey. I'm not sure if we are past it yet or not, but I know that we have been blessed throughout it. Our families and friends have shown us so much love. Our Sweet Girl is a major blessing we've been given. But even more, our marriage has been blessed. Our journey brought us closer together. A friend of mine told us to enjoy the doctor visit days and I think that was great advice because we were able to have fun throughout the rough days. Infertility also brought us closer to our Father in Heaven and our Savior. It taught me to trust Their plan for me. Their plan is better than my own!
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