Infertility Chronicles: Chemical Pregnancy

One of the reasons I started this blog was to share our infertility journey with others, hoping it would help someone in some small way. Hopefully that has been the case, if anyone, it has helped me. It has helped me realize the good and learn from the trials that come our way.

However, any fertility journey is really personal and sometimes it is hard to realize what and what not to share. I've been in the conundrum for a while now. You, my dear reader, may be wondering how we could still be infertile if we have our Sweet Girl. To which, my dear reader, I would say, unfortunately I still have PCOS, having Sweet Girl didn't cure my body of that. I don't know if anything ever will, but thankfully we know how to grow our family. Each family is different, for us that recipe involves lots and lots of prayer and IVF.

My Sweet Husband I discussed when we should start to try to have more kids, by that I mean, when we should try our next IVF cycle. We had two frozen embryos from the cycle we did with Sweet Girl. As Sweet Girl's first birthday approached we decided we should try just after she was weaned. We met with the doctor's office to see exactly what we should do and they agreed, technically they said to wait for two cycles after she was weaned. So that's what we did.

In October 2015, we started the frozen embryo cycle (FEC). A FEC so much less involved then a fresh IVF cycle! Instead of growing the eggs and preparing the uterus, we only had to do the latter part. Which meant, fewer appointments, fewer ultrasounds, fewer medications, and especially fewer shots in the tush.

The entire time, I was sure it was going to work. I was sure that both embryos were going to take and we were going to have twins and everything was going to be hunky dory. Even after getting stuck in a city 45 minutes away for the night due to a mudslide in our town (they closed the highway so we couldn't get back), I was sure everything was going to be okay. The big day finally came, when they called with the HCG test results. And once again they didn't have one of my results (they didn't have the second draw this time for some reason), but they gave us a tentative positive since the first draw was positive. They said they would call the next day with the final results once they located them. I asked for the number from day one, sure that it was going to be huge like in the 1000s, and it was 12. I seriously almost asked, "are you sure?" But we were pregnant and that was good enough! It was okay! We went out to dinner to be optimistic that the results the next day would also be good news.

Only, they weren't. After about a billion phone calls and the nurse going to lunch, she told me that unfortunately the numbers were going down, the second draw was 6 (they should double or almost double). She told me to not give up hope, that we would do a third draw to make sure the numbers were correct. So we did. And it was 3. Definitely no longer pregnant. Later I learned this was a chemical pregnancy, which means a very early pregnancy loss.

I was so confused. I felt SO sure! But I relearned something that I think I will continually learn my entire life, apparently I'm kind of a slow learner, Heavenly Father has a plan for me and His timing is the best. I also gained an even better appreciation and love for my Sweet Husband! He was so loving and caring and supportive! And I gained a greater appreciation for Sweet Girl and realized again how much of a blessing she is in our lives! And I learned that everything was okay, it did work out as it was supposed it, even though it's confusing and I'm not sure why it went down that way exactly, but we were okay after, we felt peace!

We love the rain!

This fall and winter we've been getting quite a bit of rain!

We love it!

Sweet Girl especially loves to run in the rain and jump in the puddles!

I would like to caveat these pictures with the information that I took these pictures in October when it was warmer. I don't send my baby outside without shoes and a coat in the cold!

It had rained before in her lifetime but this was the first time that it was a rain she could actually play in (warm, lasted longer than 2 minutes, and not during nap time).

She was most definitely a fan!

She was pretty upset when I made her come inside so she wouldn't get completely soaked and get sick or something.

The most wonderful time of the year!

Today I was reminded of how truly blessed I am. Sometimes these reminders come in the weirdest ways. I watched a cheesy Christmas movie that is on Hulu, it's basically an It's a Wonderful Life knock off. Watching movies like that just always make me feel so grateful for the wonderful life that I have! I mean look at these two with me! I'm so lucky! I love them so much!

I have a daily email of messages from church leaders. Today's said, "Heavenly Father and the Savior are grateful that you do your part. They know you, They watch over you, and They love you." President Henry B. Eyring said that. That quote and really recognizing my blessings was exactly what I needed today. I'm so grateful for this time of year where we get to think about our blessings and the greatest blessing of all, our Savior! 

I hope that your Christmas season is filled with love and gratitude. Merry Christmas!

Priorities

While holding this sweet girl, my priorities change rather quickly!

Cleaning and laundry are so much less fun than holding her!

Also, I think there is a time warp when it comes to holding a baby,

I'll look at the clock and I swear it's 7 am and then I look at it again and it's almost 10...

does this happen to anyone else? (okay, it's not quite that bad, I am exaggerating)

It could be that after I finish feeding her we've been trying to keep her upright for a while to help guard against reflux issues, and feeding is a lot of work so she's usually asleep, so then I'll check facebook and such on my phone, or start reading, and just like that the day is flying by.

But I rather enjoy holding our little one and babies don't stay babies forever, 

so I think I'll go right on holding her.

That being said, she is sleeping in her crib right now,

I do try to get some things done during the day... lol!

FIVE Years!

On Friday my sweet husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary!

(More to come on that later)

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday we were at the temple being sealed.

But then other times it feels like we've always been together. I love being with him!

He teaches me so much! He is such a great husband! He's caring, gentle, supportive, loving, hard working, amazing, tough, smart... I could go on and on. Best of all, he's mine!

 One fact about my sweet husband is that he loves to learn. And he continues to learn, even though he is now finished with his undergrad and his graduate degree. When he works on a project or goes running or whatever he is doing by himself, he listens to podcasts because he likes to learn about new things. He is always enriching his mind in some way it seems. Recently, I decided I wanted to be more like him. Usually when I work on a project or clean or whatever I have a show or a movie or pandora playing so that I have some background noise. I don't like silence. But those things don't often teach me anything. So I decided that I would try to listen to uplifting or educational things. I came across this program called Gospel Solutions for Families on the Mormon Channel. It is awesome! It has so many episodes that are applicable to my life, or anyone else's life for that matter. It has episodes about marriage, children, grandparents, dating, being in a long distance relationship, teaching gospel principles, etc. I like that it has episodes for people of all different stages of life. 

I particularly like the episodes about strengthening marriage (episodes 1, 2, 29, 30, 36, 37, 59, and 60) or the episodes about cleaving to your spouse (episodes 19-22).

I love the things I am learning from them. I love how listening to these uplifting words is strengthening my relationship with my sweet husband. In one of the episodes they talked about how in the scriptures the only person besides Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ we are told to love with all our hearts is our spouse. I don't know why but I hadn't ever thought of that, what an amazing blessing, we get to love our spouse as much as we love our Father in Heaven and our Savior! I love my sweet husband! I am so grateful for him! He makes me so happy! 

These have been the best five years, I can't wait to see what the next five (and eternity) will bring!

Lessons in Peace

About 10 days ago we experienced the worst day of our lives. What started out as a good day, my sweet husband had the day off to go with the youth in our ward to the lake, and I only had 1.5 days until the weekend. As I was getting ready for work, we received an email from the birth father, we had learned exactly a week previous that he was the father. At one point in the process the father said he might be open to allowing the adoption to go through, even if we found out that he was the father. So our lawyer told him that we wanted to talk to him before he made his official decision.

So back that day. We received an email and decided on a time to talk. We decided on 12:15, pretty much right after my sweet husband would get to the lake with the youth and during my lunch hour. From the first sentence I knew what his decision was, he had decided to parent. As much as it hurt us, we know it is his right. We hope that he takes care of her and teaches her about how truly special she is.

Our hearts were crushed, I ended up leaving work about 10 minutes after I got back from my lunch. My sweet husband was stuck at the lake because he had driven some of the youth down and they needed a ride back. I spent the day with my good friend, she and her three kids helped take my mind off of my hurt. My sweet husband returned home around 5:30 and we went out to dinner and spent the rest of the day watching Suits, it was pretty much all we could do.

It has been an interesting past ten days, some days are really hard, but I'm finding now that more and more are filled with peace. Heavenly Father is truly in control. He knows what is best for us, He has a plan for all of us, including the sweet girl that we wanted to be ours. Heavenly Father will watch over her and protect her.

My sister on a mission, sent us a sweet card this week. In it she encouraged us to read this talk. It has really helped me, another talk by Elder Cook has also helped me, read it here. The kind words from friends and family, hugs, and prayers have also helped us through this time. But I thing that has helped us the most is the knowledge that our Savior knows how we feel and Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and He has a plan for our family. So folks, as you may have noticed, I put our button back up and our page with our adoption info. It's time to continue to spread the word. Thank you so much for your help and your prayers for us!

My Sweet Smarty Pants

This is a big week for us!

Yesterday my sweet smarty pants finished his master's degree!

I told him we could do whatever he wanted to do in honor of finishing,

he chose going out to eat at a local place here.

This is his "I'm finished with school!!!" face

This is his "ready to eat" face.

For the record, we split that plate, it was yummy! 

I'm so proud of him! He's worked SO hard the past three years! He's worked full time, while going to school part time, is the Scoutmaster for our ward, works on our home, took a lot of time off for fertility treatments, works hard on the adoption front, honors his priesthood responsibilities, and is the best husband!

I sure love my sweet husband!

And for your entertainment, check out this smarty pants dance video I found... lol!

May: the month of cake in our house

I'm alive! Sorry for my blogging slackerness.. yeah I just made that up. To make up a little, I'll recap a little of a May. 

May is our birthday month. 

We like May!

The night before my birthday we had our traditional birthday dinner. 

 My birthday was on a Sunday, so before church I wore my traditional birthday shirt. 

 

(from a few years ago... I don't have our pictures from the first year we wore them, it's at my parents' home)

(ps, this is my cousin. He and I have the same exact birthday! We are "twins"

also please notice how much duct tape he used to wrap my gift!... lol!)

Okay back to this year.

We invited some friends over for a birthday bash. 

We had yummy Sweet Pork Burritos in honor of Cinco de Mayo.

 My awesome husband made my cake! It was a double layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting with ice cream in the middle! It was DELICIOUS!

My sweet husband wanted it known that in between my birthday and his birthday are "the eleven days of glory" where I am "two years older than him"... lol.

 My sweet husband wanted a low-key birthday, he had the birthday bash last year. 

 He really likes cake. 

He also wanted a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

Hopefully soon our newest May birthday will come home!

We are still working out the legal stuff. I promise I'm not trying to keep you in the dark. We are still waiting.

so much love!

Update: Sadly, this adoption did not work out, the birth father chose to parent, for more info, see this post

Our sweet little girl arrived on Thursday! She was 4 lbs 11 oz, 18 inches long. She's perfect. We've hit a few bumps with the birth father, now we just need to pray a miracle that she makes it to our family! Her birth mother is AMAZING! We are SO SO grateful for her! We are SO in love!

We know everything will work out in the end how Heavenly Father wants it to! We just need to continue to trust in Him!

What we've been up to

Just in case you were wondering, we're still okay.

We've just had a few technical difficulties recently.

We sent our computer to Dell to get it fixed.

I couldn't upload pictures from my kindle, so it just had to wait.

Here are a few things we've been doing lately:

1. Eating a lot of soft serve ice cream! 

2. Working on the breezeway, this is the new wall...

3. We replaced the sliding glass door with a regular door and covered the remaining area with drywall and insulation.

4. On Thursday, my sweet husband got Lasik!

We got a pretty awesome deal through my work, so we took advantage of it.

I actually got to go in and watch the surgery, which is apparently a big deal.

From my end, it was pretty gross, but my sweet husband said it wasn't too bad from his end.

I asked him Thursday night if he was glad he did it, and he said he definitely was!

He went from not being able to see anything more than two feet in front of him, to seeing 20/20!.. 

if not better! 

He's one happy man!

 5. Having family visit!

This little guy really wanted to eat with us! He was eyeing all the food!

Life is great!

We've been enjoying the ride!

APPROVED!

Today we found out that we are APPROVED for adoption!

It was one of the best phone calls!

I can't wait for the phone call that says that we've been chosen!

So now you all can officially start spreading the word!

We're working on buttons for blogs,

but you'll all be the first to know when they are ready!

For now you can use this link to get to our adoption profile!

PS If you share our adoption profile with others that do not know us, please do not use our last name
Thank you all so much!
You guys rock!

Life IS beautiful

I love to see the beautiful things of life.

Most beautiful things in life aren't things.

I've always loved to go camping

because I think in the mountains I always feel closer to my Heavenly Father.

Spending time with family is another way I feel close to my Heavenly Father.

I love both of my family and my sweet husband's family.

I love our family!

I love the time we get to spend together.

I love to be outside enjoying the beautiful things our Heavenly Father has created.

It is always so peaceful and refreshing.

The temple gives me the same feelings.

I love the temple.

I love being able to go with my sweet spouse.

All of the beautiful things in life help me to feel more grateful for my life

and for the blessings I have.

I think I really needed those reminders right now.

When things don't go quite as I want them to I think Heavenly Father makes it possible for me to be humbled and see His hand in my life,

and He helps me realize the blessings He has given me.

I hope others realize this as well, because it is true for all of us.

All of our blessings and everything we have and go through comes from our Father in Heaven because He wants us to grow closer to Him.

I'm grateful for the trials and tests I have that help me grow closer to Him

and to my sweet husband.

Yesterday we enjoyed lunch at the beach with my husband's family

(the ones that live near us anyways)

It was a lovely day

Friday, my youngest sister graduated from high school!

We spent last weekend with them.

This week we get to spend time with both families here!

We are so excited,

we love our families!

Ahh, life IS beautiful!

House Updates

We've been getting good news about the house,

which is ALWAYS nice to hear!

They FINALLY resolved the whole title issue.

We found that out yesterday.

I think I neglected to mention that the weekend that my grandma and parents visited

our house was vandalized.

We think it was probably kids that were bored.

They broke light bulbs...

(like every single one but two in the whole house)

and smashed them into the carpet.

They knocked some cabinet doors off the hinges,

they kicked several holes in the walls,

and the broke the blades off a fan in the one of the bedrooms.

It was stupid and a bit frustrating.

However, we don't have to pay for the repairs, so that was GREAT news!

It turns out they are going to replace the carpet

because they wouldn't be able to get all of the glass out of the carpet.

We had been planning on replacing the carpet anyways and we were a little annoyed that we wouldn't get to choose the carpet because we felt like it would be a waste for them to put in brand new carpet that we didn't like, just for us to rip it out and put in the stuff we like.

Another dilemma was that they were going to replace all of the carpet

(which is great)

but we weren't going to keep the carpet everywhere it is now.

Thankfully, we were able to come to a happy compromise.

The contractor contacted us and let us pick out the carpet.

We got something a little better than what they were going to put in,

the cheapest carpet possible,

but not something too extravagant

since we were going to take some of it out to put hardwood or something similar in.

So we were able to save a lot of money in the long run!

YAY!

So the repairs should be finished this week,

if our bank has decided that we have finished all the paperwork they need,

and that the repairs they requested are to their liking,

we'll be able to close soon!

YAY!

We were a little worried for a while,

especially since we told our landlord that we were moving,

thinking that she'd probably have the same issue she had before we moved in

(the house being empty for several months

so we could do month to month if it took a little longer).

However, she has already taken the "For Rent"sign down,

so I'm guessing she found someone to rent the place....

therefore, we'd be homeless for a while if it didn't go through before the end of the month,

but folks, I think we're going to make it!

We may not have the time we wanted to clean and fix it up before we move in,

but we'll make it work!

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

I'd like to wish both our moms, all our grandmas, and all the wonderful mothers in our life a belated happy mother's day!

We hope you had the best day ever!

We were able to talk to both of our brothers! We loved that! It is always so nice to hear their voice!

This is how we talked my sweet husband's little brother.... lol.

We were on our way to surprise my husband's mom for mother's day. We kind of blew the surprise because somehow our mute got turned off and I commented on a crazy driver... lol.

But it was so fun to be able to surprise her! Her reaction was priceless! Grammy was also there, so that was icing on the cake!

I hope my momma had a wonderful mother's day even though we weren't able to come and visit her!

We love you all! We are very blessed with the wonderful women in our lives! They do so much for us and we continually feel their love!

Beautiful Weather!

Where we live has interesting weather.

One day it's sunny, one day it's freezing and snowing...

But lately, we've had BEAUTIFUL weather!

Today we enjoyed it a bit!

Behold:

One of our favorite things to do on beautiful days is spend some time in our hammock that my sweet husband's sweet sister got us for Christmas!

We love it!

It's pretty much the epitome of relaxation!

One year older and wiser too

I just had a birthday, it was a Great day!

I got to spend the entire day with my wonderful husband!

We decided to do something fun, so we went to Six Flags!

We had such a great time!

We screamed like little girls... okay maybe that was just me.

We went on Deja Vu and I screamed, "I don't like this ride!"

Then we went on Tatsu and I screamed, "I don't like this ride either!"

My sweet husband... and the other people on our row may have laughed at me on that one.. lol.

Don't worry, I laughed after that too.

Here we are on the shuttle going into the park!

Here we are on a lemonade break, we were very thirsty... and tired if you can't tell... :)

This is my sweet husband on Tatsu,

he went a second time without me because he liked it so much!

I wish he was in this one because it was the perfect timing!

After we got home and showered and washed off the gunk of the day

(so please don't mind the pjs or the shinny face),

I got to open my present!

My sweet husband got me a new camera!

Which was exactly what I needed because my old camera was in sad shape!

It was a GREAT day! I love that I got to spend the entire day with my sweet sweet husband!

Easter

Sorry, this post is rather later, but better late than never right?

I have an excuse, I took my camera but so did everyone else so I figured I'd just get the pictures from them, and it took me a while to do so. Anyways, I finally got them from my little sister.

Leading up to Easter, my sweet husband was gone on a business trip all week. The poor guy was right on the beach in Florida! I felt so bad for him... lol, yeah right I was totally jealous freezing my behind off! Because of the business trip we were unable to make it to our friend's wedding, and our sweet little niece's blessing, but we hope both went well!

We went to my parent's house for our traditional Easter celebration!

Saturday morning we went to the lake!

Me and my sister on our way to the lake!

My sister found this on the beach... a little frightening.

Me wakeboarding, the water wasn't quite glass but we still had a great time!

My lame air, but at least I got some I guess.

My sweet husband having a great time!

My cousin on the kneeboard, he's pretty awesome on it!

My parents driving the boat

Sunday morning the Easter Bunny showed up!

That mean Easter Bunny hid my basket on top of the playhouse, I had quite the time getting it down, but I eventually got it down!

See, I got it!

My sweet husband and one of my cute baby cousins.

I love seeing him hold babies!

All the pretty ladies on my momma's side dress for church!

My pretty grandma and her pretty granddaughters

P.S. I wondered how the Easter Bunny came to be and why we hide eggs and baskets, so we looked it up, and this is what we found out if you care to know to. I thought it was pretty interesting.

• Easter eggs and baby chicks--eggs and chicks symbolize new life. Eggs have been a symbol of spring since ancient times. An egg is also a symbol of the rock tomb out of which Christ emerged when he arose again. The chick, hatching out of the egg, symbolizes new life or re-birth.
• Easter bunny--the rabbit or hare, was a symbol of abundant life in ancient times, and reminds us of spring and new life.
• Easter lilies--the white blossoms symbolize the purity of Jesus Christ.
• The lamb--the Lamb of God
• Easter hats and wearing new clothes to church--newness of life (this one kind of cracked me up)
• Pretzels--a food eaten during Lent and the twisted shapes symbolizes arms crossed in prayer
• The butterfly--the life of the butterfly is symbolic of Jesus' entire life. First the butterfly starts out as a caterpillar, which stands for his life on earth. The second stage is the cocoon stage, symbolizing the crucifixion and burial of Christ. The third stage is when the butterfly emerges from the cocoon as a butterfly, this symbolizes the resurrection of our Savior.

I found these at this website. I thought they were pretty interesting it, it also has a few more on it too.